marksiano_china_crop.jpgComedian and writer Mark Siano is in China, covering the Olympics for Sports NW mag. Covering them extremely loosely, as Mark has no credentials, little money, and, if I know him, probably several warrants out for his arrest. As long as he remains free, he’ll be filing stories for the blog. Here’s Mark’s first dispatch.

All over China, everyone is talking about the Olympics. But they’re not talking about Yao Ming or Kobe Bryant, and they’re not talking about Ronaldinho. Doping is not the topic of any conversations.

They’re not even pondering the possibility that China may finally overtake America in total medal count this Olympics. No, everyone is buzzing about what the Communist Party is doing to Beijing in order to prepare for the big event.

How much is true and how much is conjecture and rumors is hard to say.

I’m in Southwest China (Beijing is way up north), and here everyone says that the city has lost its character, that there is no zing left in Beijing. I’ve heard of dozens of measures the Communist Party has taken to make the city more palatable for Westerners.

1. No More Crotchless Pants: In China, children wear pants that leave their butts and bits exposed, supposedly so they can poop and pee at will. Diapers be damned! Beijing is concerned that Westerners will be offended by the sight of baby wee wees, so crotchless pants are
banned.

2. No More Beggars and Cripples: Recent visitors have commented that Beijing’s streets are completely barren of destitute people asking for money. Rumor has it they’ve all been shipped off to Inner Mongolia.

3. No More Pirated Goods: China’s infamous pirate DVD and music black market has been shut down in time for the games. Better get my SUPERBAD with Russian subtitles before I leave the Southwest.

4. Bars Will Shut Down EARLY?!?!: If this is true, Beijing has it backwards. When Salt Lake City hosted the Olympics, they had a Mormoncurfew that made journalists cringe. Salt Lake decided to extend the curfew so the press would be able to drink. Beijing will be considered a lousy host if it doesn’t fix this one.

5. Factories Have Been Shut Down, and Cars Have Been Stopped: In an effort to cut down on the pollution that plagues the city, all nearby factories have been shut down, but rumors that there are no more cars allowed on the streets are most likely untrue.

6. Bars Have Been Told Not to Serve Africans: This is a strange rumor indeed. According to some British people of partial African decent I have met who currently live in Beijing, the bars are no longer allowed to serve Africans. According to my sources this is because it is perceived that Africans are the primary traffickers of marijuana and Beijing doesn’t want foriegners getting high and watching Synchronized Swimming.

7. China will Stop The Rain: I have heard from a dizzying array of sources, including reputable American media television stations (if you count CNN) that China has banned rain. Apparently Beijing thinks it can keep it from raining during the Opening Ceremonies and during
major events. I’ve heard they can coat the clouds or blow up and disrupt weather systems with military weaponry. If this is true, can the Chinese Red Army please visit Seattle in June next year?

8. You Can’t Get There from Here: The joke around China goes like this: “You want to get to Beijing, start walking.” Apparently transport to the capital is no longer available. All flights into Beijing during the Opening Ceremonies have been cancelled.

9. Everything Else That Beijingers Like to Do Regularly is Banned: Spitting, honking, dining outdoors, dancing, swearing, etc. etc.

The list of banned items and practices is endless. It’s hard to know what’s real, but one thing I can say for sure is that is nearly impossible to get to Beijing from anywhere in China. Sleeper trains and locals are booked for the next three weeks and flights are at capacity and they’re charging 3 times the usual price. Luckily this reporter has an overpriced plane ticket to Beijing. Soon we’ll see the transformed city of Beijing first hand and find out exactly what the Communist Party has done to its capitol for the Olympic Games. Will it retain its original and authentic flavor, or has it been as Americanized as the chop suey at Magic Dragon?